Life is complicated and no area of life can be more complicated than when it comes to relationships.
When we are in a conflict with another person, there are many different factors that can come into play...miscommunications, assumptions, anger, frustration and almost always, the feeling that we are not being seen, heard or understood.
The complex array of emotions is often what keeps us in conflict and not able to move forward. This "Feelings Process" is designed to help you uncover and process the underlying emotions that are at the heart of the conflict. Once you understand these emotions, you can be better equipped to move forward with a spirit of understanding and connection as opposed to blame and opposition.
While there are most certainly a complex array of emotions involved in any conflict, there are always two main components that are at the heart of all unpleasant or "negative" emotions...expectations not being met and a sense of powerlessness or loss of control.
No matter how terrible the situation or how badly you feel as though you have been "wronged", being able to more fully understand the underlying emotions behind your reaction to the conflict will allow you to process these emotions and find a place of peace.
Being at peace does not mean that you have to be “ok” with the situation. Sometimes bad things happen to us that are not “ok”.
The definition of peace is free from disturbance. Disturbance is defined as the disruption of healthy functioning. To be at peace about a situation means that you are at a place in your life of healthy functioning in regards to the situation.
In order to resolve conflict, you first must resolve the conflict within yourself, so you will start by processing your feelings of anger, sadness, pain and fear. You may, at this point, only be feeling one of these emotions, most likely anger but in almost any conflict, anger is just the most dominant surface emotion so it is felt the most strongly. Most likely, the anger is covering up your deeper feelings of sadness, pain and fear which must also be felt and processed.
Once you have processed these feelings, I will help you to come to a place of acceptance with the situation. From this place of acceptance, I will guide you through a process that will help you to come from a place of understanding and connection.
Depending on the situation, it is very likely that completing the process to this point will be enough for you to be at a place of peace and be able to move forward. There may be other times, however, when the situation requires more resolution within yourself and/or with the other person involved in the conflict. If this is the case, I have included additional tools to help you further the healing and resolution process.
I have included this process in a PDF form so that you can print it out and use it as a worksheet to go through each step.
I have also included examples after each step so that you can see the process in action and better understand how it works.
You can continue to use this process any time in your life when you find yourself in conflict with another person.
FEELINGS PROCESS WORKSHEET
THE PROCESS
Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed and begin going through the process writing out all of the prompts for each step, starting with the situation itself.
THE SITUATION
When you have any unpleasant feeling or emotion it is because an expectation was not met. You had a desire for a certain thing to happen that did not happen.
What happened?
What was my expectation?
EXAMPLES:
What happened? My husband promised me that he would be home by seven to take me out to dinner. He didn't get home until ten and he wouldn't answer my calls or texts and when he got home and found me in bed crying he got mad at me and told me that he got stuck in a meeting and I was being selfish and unappreciative of how hard he works and much he does for our family.
What was my expectation? My expectation was that my husband would do what he said he would do and take me out to dinner or at least call or text me to let me know what was going on. My expectation in a marriage is that my partner would do what they say they are going to do. I expect that when someone does something wrong they will apologize and not try and make me the bad guy.
ANGER
When people's behavior or the course of events does not line up with our expectations, we lose our sense of control. We are angry about a situation because we feel powerless! We often stay in a place of anger because it gives us a false sense of taking back this control but this is only an illusion. Anger is a shield that protects us, not only from others, but from ourselves and our deeper emotions that are often difficult to deal with. In order to move forward, you need to first release the anger so that you can gain the only true power you have which is the power over your thoughts and emotions. Use the following questions to help you first identify the anger, describe how it feels in your body and then finally give yourself permission to give your anger a voice in a raw and uncensored way.
I am so angry that…
This anger is making my body feel...
I want {person you are in conflict with} to know that...
EXAMPLES:
I am so angry that my husband didn't take me out to dinner when he said he would. I am angry that he works all the time. I am angry that he doesn't listen to me. I am angry that he doesn't give me enough attention and he thinks it's enough for him to just bring home a paycheck. I am angry that I sat at home waiting for him to show up or call and not knowing what was going on.
This anger is making my body feel hot all over. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel shakiness and pressure in my chest.
I want Jim to know that he is a total asshole. He has no fucking idea how to be a good husband. I want him to know that if he doesn't get his shit together, I am going to leave him. I want him to know that he is insensitive and what he did was NOT ok!
SADNESS
We are hardwired to make sense of the world and we do this by assigning meaning to things. When a situation happens and our expectations aren't met, we tell ourselves a story either about ourselves or the world and this story makes us feel sad. First, identify what hurt you or made you sad about this situation and then write out the story and the meaning you assigned to the situation.
I am so sad that…
It makes me sad because I feel like it means...
EXAMPLES:
I am so so sad that my husband doesn't care enough about me to consider my feelings. I am so sad because I haven't been out to a nice dinner in a long time and I was looking forward to getting dressed up and wearing my new dress. I am so sad that this is the third time that my husband has not kept his promise of taking me out to dinner.
It makes me sad because I feel like it means that I am not a good wife and my husband doesn't love me. I feel like it means that I am unlovable and unworthy.
PAIN
If we didn’t believe the story or meaning we assigned to the situation to be true, it wouldn’t make us sad. We believe something to be true because we feel as though we have evidence to support it. This evidence is often born out of deep wounds that we hold on to and perpetuate. The situation often causes us pain because it reminds us of something. Even if it is difficult, let your mind go back to those situations in your life that triggered you.
This situation reminds me of…
This is just like when...
EXAMPLES:
This situation reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad was never there for me.
This is just like when I was five and my dad was supposed to take me out for my birthday and he never showed up.
FEAR
Fear is an emotion that is based in the future and is based on the belief that someone or something is likely to be a threat or cause you pain. Because this situation happened, it has likely made you fearful of something that may happen in the future. Use the prompts below to process your feelings of fear.
Because this happened, I’m afraid it means…
The thing I am most afraid of is...
EXAMPLES:
Because this happened, I'm afraid it means that my husband will never be there for me. I am afraid it means that he doesn't really love me. I am afraid it means I shouldn't have married him.
The thing I am most afraid of is that we will never be able to work this out. I am most afraid that my husband doesn't love me and he will leave me. I am most afraid that I am too needy and that no one will ever love me and I will end up being alone forever.
Once you have processed these more unpleasant feelings but before you can move on to the phase in which you can begin to “take your power back” and heal from the situation, you must first truly accept the situation.
ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is an absolutely necessary component to healing. It is impossible to move forward in any situation without first truly accepting that the situation happened. At this point in the process, I want you to take a moment to be still, take a few deep breaths, find that place of acceptance and write out your acceptance and any feelings you have.
I accept that...
EXAMPLES:
I accept that my husband chose working over me and I didn't get to go out to dinner. I wish this had not happened and I hate how I am feeling about it but it did happen and it is something we now have to deal with.
Hopefully, you should feel yourself in a more “neutral” place. It is from this place that you can go through the emotions below to begin to “take your power back” and come to a place of understanding and growth.
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
Taking personal responsibility does not mean that you are “to blame” for something, it simply means that you are willing to look at the part that you may have played in the situation. This could mean something you could have done differently or the expectations you had about the situation. It also means taking personal responsibility for how you are going to now respond to and handle the situation moving forward.
I could have handled this situation differently by…
The unrealistic expectations I may have had about this situation were...
EXAMPLES:
I could have handled this situation differently by communicating to my husband how important this dinner was to me. I could have handled this situation differently by not screaming at him as soon as he walked through the door.
The unrealistic expectations I may have had about this situation were that I knew my husband was working on a big project that has kept him working late every night. I could have realized that he isn't allowed to have his phone turned on when he is in a meeting with his boss so the expectation that he would have answered my phone calls may have been unrealistic.
EMPATHY
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. I understand that there are certain situations where this feels almost impossible to do. Much like forgiveness, people often feel as though to have empathy for someone is to make what they did ok but with very few exceptions, most people are not bad or evil and to have empathy is to simply acknowledge their humanity and to recognize that their actions were motivated by their desire to get their needs met. In this situation, where can you find understanding and empathy?
I understand that…
I imagine that you may have been feeling...
EXAMPLES:
I understand that my husband is really stressed out at work right now. I understand that he may not have called me back because he knows that I was going to scream at him and he didn't want to have to deal with that after just having to deal with your demanding boss. I understand that just because this happened does not mean that he doesn't love me or that I am not important to him.
I imagine {person in conflict with} may have been feeling like I don't understand or care about his feelings or what he is going through right now. I understand that he may have been feeling unappreciated for everything he does for me and our family.
At this point in the process and depending on the situation, you may find that this is enough for you to find a place of peace. However, if want to take the process further to help further resolve the situation or to use the experience as a catalyst for personal growth, you can find further instructions and tools below.
There are going to be times when the conflict involves another person but this person is not someone who plays an important role in your life so you don’t feel the need to resolve any issues with them directly.
Most often however, difficult situations or conflicts DO happen with someone important in your life. If this is the case, you may find that the situation was fully resolved within yourself simply by doing the process. You may have even come to a place where you feel as though you are the one who needs to apologize to the other person and let them know that you recognize and acknowledge the part that you played in the situation.
More times than not, when the situation involves someone close to you, even if you have personally come to a place of peace within yourself, you will feel it is necessary for more communication to take place in order to come to a resolution.
Communicate to the other person how you were feeling and do so from a place of love and understanding. If you find that the other person is not in the same place as you are and they still want to be combative with you, continue to stay in that place of love and understanding. Many times, your energy will set the tone and the other person will realize that this is no longer an oppositional situation but one of amiability.
If this is not the case and the other person is not so ready to be amiable, then let them know that you will give them their space and you are ready to talk whenever they are. It is most likely that they are still needing to process their own feelings.
When the time is right for you to come to a resolution, below are some steps that can help.
EXPECTATIONS
Expectations in relationships come from our wants and needs and our belief that certain people should fulfill certain wants and needs. Problems arise when these wants, needs and expectations are not communicated effectively. When problems arise, this is a perfect opportunity to let the people in our life know what is important to us and what needs and/or wants we are hoping that they will fulfil. Don’t assume that the other person knows our wants and needs OR that they will be willing and able to fulfil them. Remember that when people's behavior or the course of events does not line up with our expectations, we lose our sense of control and it’s that sense of powerlessness that makes us feel angry. Express this to the other person in an honest and vulnerable way. I know this can be very scary but it is imperative if you want any chance of having a deep and meaningful relationship. If this is your desire, then it is better to find out sooner rather than later exactly what needs and/or wants the other person is able and willing to fulfil.
I was really angry because you {conflict or situation} and I expected you to...
I expected you to do this because…
I now understand that you must not have realized how important this is to me and it’s important because…
Please be honest with me and with yourself, is {expectation} something you can do for me?
If not, is there a compromise that we can come to that would still fulfil that need and that you can do?
EXAMPLES:
I was really angry because you didn't take me out to dinner and I expected you to take me out to dinner or at least call me to let me know you were going to be late.
I expected you would do this because you said you would.
I now understand that you must not have realized how important this is to me and it’s important because you are the person that means the most to me in my life and I need to feel like I can count on you. It's important to me because I didn't have a lot of stability in my life as a kid and my father never kept his promises. It's important to me because when you don't keep your promises, it makes me feel like you don't love me and you are going to leave me. It's important that you at least communicate with me because that shows me that you consider my feelings.
Please be honest with me and with yourself, is keeping your promises and communicating with me when you can't something you can do for me?
If not, is there a compromise that we can come to that would still fulfil that need and that you can do?
BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are those limits and rules we set for ourselves in relationships. These are our “deal breakers”. In order to set strong boundaries, we first need to know for ourselves what those deal breakers are. We sometimes let people cross our personal boundaries because we are afraid of losing them or not being loved, but, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t have your best interests in mind? Boundaries are not to be confused with ultimatums. An ultimatum is a tactic used to manipulate another person into doing what we want. They may sometimes seem like the same thing but ultimatums are about force, power and control over another person in an attempt to get what you want while a boundary is about your own personal power and staying true to who you are. It’s all about intention. The earlier in a relationship you can set boundaries, the better, but sometimes certain boundaries don’t come up until there is a conflict. If this is the case, just like when talking about expectations, make sure that the other person understands that this is not about getting them to comply but about your personal rules and limits.
You may not have realized this but {boundary} is very important to me because...
This isn’t about you, it’s about me being true to myself and I know that {boundary} is something that I can not compromise on.
If this happens again OR continues to happen, I will have to…
EXAMPLES:
You may not have realized this but keeping your promises and communicating with me is very important because of what I went through as a child.
This isn’t about you, it’s about me being true to myself and I know that being honest and communicating with each other is something that I can not compromise on.
If this happens again, I will have to find a professional for us to talk to and if it continues to happen, I will have to seriously consider whether I can stay in this relationship.
UNDERSTANDING
To understand means to interpret or view something in a particular way. Everything in life is up for interpretation, we all have different perceptions but it is important to seek to understand the people that we are in relationships with including their interpretation and perceptions of things so that we can become more empathetic. I believe that most people's intention isn’t to hurt us, they are simply trying to get their own needs met. To understand each other is to relate to our common humanity. When a conflict occurs, it helps the healing process to understand the underlying emotions behind certain words and actions. In order to do this effectively, we need to be willing to be vulnerable, even when it’s scary.
I want you to understand that the reason I was so hurt was because…
It made me sad because….
I was afraid that it meant…
I want to understand you too, please tell me why you did/said what you did. What needs and/or wants were you trying to get met?
EXAMPLES:
I want you to understand that the reason I was so hurt was because I love you so much and I value our time together.
It made me sad because it made me think that you don't feel the same way.
I'm afraid that it meant that you don't love me anymore or want to spend time with me.
FORGIVENESS
Understanding is the first step towards forgiveness. To forgive is to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for a flaw, or mistake. People have a hard time forgiving because they feel as though it makes what someone did to them “ok”. Sometimes things are not “ok” but we are all flawed humans who make mistakes. We can’t move on and rebuild trust with someone unless and until we can stop feeling angry and resentful towards them. We can’t magically decide to forgive...we must process our emotions of anger and resentment in order to release them. Just saying we forgive doesn’t make it happen, we either feel a certain way or we don’t and if we are still feeling angry and resentful, we have not forgiven and we need to keep working towards processing those feelings. When we do get to a place of forgiveness, we may not always feel the need or that it is appropriate to voice that to the other person. That’s ok. It’s nice if you can but the forgiveness is for you, not the other person.
RESOLUTION
Resolution is the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter. I think the key word in this definition is action. Not all, but many situations need resolution. Sometimes communicating is enough to resolve the situation but there may be times when more needs to be done. Sometimes it is as simple as communicating your affection for the other person. The situation would not have hurt so badly if the person was not important to you. Other times, it may be a time to reassess our own needs, wants and boundaries and articulate those to the other person.
I appreciate you because…
I love you because…
You are important to me because…
What I want to have happen moving forward is…
What I wish for this relationship is...
EXAMPLES:
I appreciate you because you work so hard to provide for our family
I love you because you are a kind and caring husband and father.
You are important to me because you are my best friend and I can be myself around you.
What I want to have happen moving forward is that we can communicate more openly and honestly and we can come to an understanding regarding making plans and working around your demanding work schedule.
What I wish for this relationship is that we can openly communicate our needs and wants to each other and take each others feelings into consideration so that we can become closer and more connected.
PROCESSING EMOTIONS
While using this process, f you are having a hard time moving past one of the "core" emotions OR tapping into a particular feeling, it may be because you need to give yourself more time to fully process that emotion. It may also mean that, as a child, you were not ever given permission to fully feel or express that particular emotion.
If this is the case, I have included links below to help you more fully understand and process your feelings of anger, sadness and fear. I will be adding more posts for understanding and processing additional emotions in the future.
I have found that this "Feelings Process" can be a very valuable tool in helping to resolve conflict and I hope that you find it useful in creating harmonious relationships in your life.
xoxoxo
Gina